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I am Done Trying to Save this Relationship

“Five signs your relationship is in trouble"

  • Your partner avoids you
  • You are the one always looking for connection
  • You are the too much to handle
  • It's your problem
  • It feels like they don't care why should you

'I guess I must be crazy'. Whispers Tanya as she holds her head between her hands.

Tanya moves her eyes towards Sheldon her husband of 12 years and father of their two children as she waits for him to respond.

Sheldon raises his eye brows in disgust and puts his hands in the air saying angrily “She is never happy. I don't understand what Tanya needs, but clearly I don't get it. I support our family with everything they could ever need and it's never good enough".

“So don't bother then" Tanya announces angrily.

“Ok we have two options here Sheldon" I interject “Do you want to hear what I have say"?

Sheldon nods reluctantly “Sure".

“The way I see this relationship is one that has accumulated years of subtle damage and gradual resignation on both ends, but perhaps your better at avoiding this disruption of connection Sheldon."

“I don't want this" Sheldon quickly replies.

“Good… let's look at what got both of you here and see about putting this relationship back on track."

Sheldon has a good case, he can throw his arms up and say look pal I would love have an intimate relationship with her, but she is a controlling, over-reacting and angry wife, so what am I suppose do.

Now that might be true and Sheldon can stay fixed on his version that he has been a good father, a provider and that he does not do anything wrong, but there is only one problem.

Tanya looks to be only two moves away leaving this relationship.

This is a case of one partner spending years waiting for their partner to move into loving relationship and the other partner not knowing how to give more.

Now after years of slowly resigning, slowly accepting more disappointment Tanya faces her reality and has chosen to say 'I will not live like this anymore'.

My job if this couple has any chance to staying together is to help each of them move into a relationship recovery mode.

Both equally come with their bad habits and behaviors that contribute to an unhealthy relationship, but after we can establish that there is absolutely no room for staying in that state, we can move towards overcoming those past patterns.

The truth is that we are all immature and messy when conflict or difficult conversations arise.

The learning here is to understand that we each come to conflict with a blurred lens and this is influenced by our version of a bad deal. This bad deal can be best described as a projection of our partner when we are being flooded with negative emotions and feelings.

The bad deal story usually goes something like this. “I cannot believe that I have to spend the rest of my life with so and so when they behave so outrageously…." Have you ever noticed that it feels like you are fighting for your life when you're in conflict with your partner?

Instead of seeking to understand each other most couples stay fixed on defending themselves. This inability to connect during conflict is where damage is done to relationships.

Once this dynamic is brought into awareness with defined action of what and how to replace those defensive responses, couples can address their concerns with more flexibility and supportive dialogue.

3 Tips to Understand and Work with your Bad Deal

1. First understand what your bad deal is!

When you see your partner at their worst, how do you see them?

Make a list. Get your partner to make a list.

2. What is the psychology behind our bad deals?

Unhealed Wounds

Often we choose partners that know just how to push those invisible buttons.

Know that when you are projecting your bad deal onto your partner that it is an exaggerated version and it is usually true.

3. Come up with a plan of action

Once we have awareness of the behaviors it is helpful to let your partner know what the behaviors and conversations are that contribute to your bad deal perception and vice versa.

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How to access the best version of yourself

Today I want to talk about an invitation that is always waiting for you.

That invitation is the story of you and how you can awaken the best version of yourself.

The application of self mastery is learning to integrate your inner strength and compassion to a high enough level to walk a path of absolute integrity to listening to yourself on a soul level.

Many of us want to reach our highest potential, to be able to bring our best self forward and live our life to the fullest and for so many of us the struggle is real.

If you listen closely to yourself, you will hear that you likely have a story of yourself.

My question for you is, how is your story guiding you right now.

Are the whispers of fear laying the road ahead for you?

Is your beliefs about yourself setting you up for success in life?

The top three fears I hear on a daily basis (And there are many more)

1.Fear of not being good enough

2.Fear of being judged by others

3. Fear of not being ready

I might have just said the same thing three times. So many of our doubts, fears and limitations originate from the relation to others.

We design our view of ourselves from what we belief others to belief about us. Think about this deeply. We contract out our perception of ourselves to what WE BELIEVE OTHERS to believe about ourselves.

We convince ourselves that these stories and beliefs are true and the consequence is massive impact on how we see and show in up in the world.

My call for action from you is to stop waiting. Stop waiting for motivation to change. Stop waiting for something in your life system to change for you to change.

Get invested in your life on a deep level.

Make a commitment to get intentional with your life right now and make a decision to bust through the hesitation and procrastination.

No more waiting, tell yourself the truth. That time is not on our side.

Let's make a decision and bring forth your awakened self and let go of the old self that lives in fear, lives in doubt and does not believe in your potential.

Learn to unplug from the old perceptions that have been living in your shadows and holding you back.

Here is something that I want to promise you, change is not outside of you and it does not need to be in some distant future.

It does not need to take years and years of therapy, coaching and personal development to achieve mastery over yourself and unleash your best self forward.

It always begins with a decision.

Want to get started?

Here are some examples on how you can begin your own practice of discovering the best version of you.


1. Build an obsession with your own self discovery-


I know, I am clinician and I am not supposed to encourage you to have an obsession with anything right?

So let me echo this from a top the highest mountain, you absolutely need to have a deeply invested attitude with your own self growth.


Knowing yourself deeply takes a lot of work and the journey there is often messy and yet there is a coming out on the other side that is often so incredibly worth that time.


Try beginning with any of these actions.


-Journal (With intention to discover who you are)

-Meditate

-Seek feedback from others about your own growth (That you trust of course)

-Go on retreats

-Read books on psychology and self help

-Go to yoga

-Write out your intentions daily and weekly

-Work with a coach/therapist/healer


2. Scan for all the blocks

If the goal is true transformation, then we need to know what is getting in your way of happiness, success and well-being.

Sit with that question "How am I getting in my own way"?

To encounter yourself in this way means, we take a good inventory of where we hold back and part of the self discovery process is identifying behaviors, attitudes and perceptions that no longer serve you.

We operate mostly out of habit.Think about that.

So much of our lives are habit and that means we are running on an operating system that may or may not be serving you.

Awareness allows us to wake up.Action allows us to re-wire the program and break free from the old.Commitment is the final ingredient for you on this journey of compassionate and self inquiry into our blocks, trauma and past wounds.


3. Invest in being incredibly intentional with your life

We absolutely become what we think and feel.

Belief is everything.

So many of our beliefs are created without our awareness and exist uninterrupted in the background of our minds eye to freely influence our attitudes, perception and behaviors.

Here is the invitation for you today, begin to live your life with greater intention.

How to write out your intentions and goals.

-Get a journal and write daily intentions when you wake up each day for 15mins

-Get creative with your intentions

-Access the feeling of what you are inviting and write as if it were happening now.

-Be specific and avoid being negative with your words (Don't, can't)

-Let go of the how things will unfold for you

Notice what starts to come up for you or present itself to you


.4. Create habits that support YOU

Develop habits and rituals that support your mind, your physical health, your relationships and your work.

Discipline is nothing more than the commitment to move past our sophisticated minds that are addicted to comfort.

Start simple and create habits that are easy to achieve.This will help with supporting the belief that you can start new habits.

Staying the course in the beginning is moving past the uncomfortable and seeing beyond temporary pain.

As Mark Matteson once said, "good habits are hard to form and easy to live with.Bad habits are easy to form and hard to live with."

So do a good inventory and ask yourself what habits you need to work on, let go and develop.

Your best self is always waiting for you discover and only you can write that story of how that unfolds.

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Meet Ken

Ken is a certified psychotherapist that specializes in a powerful approach called Gestalt Therapy that focuses on building a person's awareness, self-esteem and mind-body connection.

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Explore your concerns in a warm, safe, and non-judgmental environment.

My offices are located in Calgary and Alberta.